The zombie apocalypse already happened. So has the plot of Terminator. Zombies and cyborgs have simultaneously taken over planet Earth, and in 2012 we exist in the aftermath. It’s post-apocalyptic of the highest degree. So don’t buy anything else for your zombie preparedness kit. No more fretting over artificially intelligent machines taking over the world. It’s a done deal. They’re already here.
Now we just need to move forward, band together in rebellion against the forces of evil, and reclaim our humanity.
Let’s start with zombies, the sub-human group. Zombies go after the weak and vulnerable, transmitting the zombie virus through their bite. Through their wounds, zombies wound others. Are you an infected zombie? Do you have open, festering emotional wounds that cause you to hurt others unintentionally? We all do, you know. Just part of life after the zombie apocalypse. The best way to avoid being a terminal zombie is to get your wounds medically treated on site, and change out the bandages regularly.
Cyborgs are a little trickier. Technologically advanced, cyborgs can read the electrical impulses in our brain, and intercept our thoughts before we translate them to actions. Through reprogramming of our neural circuit, cyborgs convince us that we need to become better, always better. We need the latest upgrade. Faster. Younger. Thinner. More hair. Less hair. Smarter. Sexier. Fewer wrinkles. Better tan. Larger this. Smaller that. Healthier. Age-defying. Like a machine. Superhuman. Before we know it, we start implanting ourselves with brain-machine interface devices. We recommend them to our spouse, friends, children – then their neural circuits become like ours and we all want to be better together. At any cost. The only way to rid yourself of the cyborg epidemic is through surgical removal, and rehab following surgery to retrain your brain in how to accept the limitations of humanity. It’s like AA for the brain.
If you suspect that you’ve been infected by a zombie or implanted with a cyborg, please seek HELP immediately. Self-medicating can be dangerous and ineffective, often leading to serious secondary infections.
We’re only human, after all.